Letterboard Fridays.

by Old Try
Or, in my case, I don't know what I'm feeling until I can talk about it.

A month ago I just left my kid's lunch unmade and walked downstairs and laid on the couch and had.... something. My aperture of the world suddenly got really small. I was light headed. Was it a mild anxiety attack? I don't know. Whatever it was, it tuned me into my mental health.

Which ain't great.

For the first time in my life, I'm depressed. I'm burned out on facetime and Teams meetings. I'm worn out from languishing at my day job, and bummed that I can't get more excited about my side hustle. I'm anxious and I'm irritable and I'm not being a tuned-in husband, I'm not being a patient father. I'm taking more than I'm giving. I'm drinking more than I should. My blood pressure is too high. I had life by the daggum reigns and then a pandemic flipped the script eighteen months ago and the basement walls have been closing in a little each day.

I'm a Believer and I have great faith but when there's darkness, where there was light, it's easy to doubt. And to question. My God is powerful and he is with me. But where is He?

And that's where this Joan Didion quote came from. A buddy of mine brought it up earlier this week. He's feeling similar things. I think a lot of men who are around 40 are. We've been good. We've done well. Things were trending in the right direction and we always had our distractions and work to keep us busy and we didn't really have to think about much. Just had to execute. The last year and a half of unhealthy internal dialogue in place of actual fellowship have about broken me down. Maybe they have to you, too, friend.

I just want you to know that I'm praying for you. I'm pulling for you. I'm doing some things on this end that are slowly working.

I've started meeting with a therapist. I've been more intentional about spending early morning time in prayer. I've started picking up the phone to call old friends. I'm remembering that we are communal beings, and we need community. I need physical and healthy human engagement. I need to accept my weakness. I need to ask my God, my family and my friends for help. And I have.

It feels better today. #letterboardfridays

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